Emmett's noodle
by simplyunwordable
Summary: All human. Noodles, cell phones, and Bella gets a little closer to Emmett than she's comfortable with. Rated "T" for language and mature humor.


**A/N: Okay...so this is a totally random story based on a personal experience..read, review, and most of all..enjoy!**

**disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, the characters, Panda Express, Mongolian Grill, or anything besides the plot. **

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I re-adjusted myself for what was probably the twentieth time. Why had I agreed to this? Oh yeah, that's right, I didn't. Alice and Edward had shamelessly dazzled me into it; to go out with the whole gang. Now, usually this wouldn't be so horrible, but this was just _uncomfortable. _Alice had insisted we all go see a movie and hang out together. Then she insisted we take the Volvo, instead of the more reasonable jeep that was PERFECTLY AVAILABLE!

So, here I was, squished in a backseat, practically sitting on Emmett's lap. This was so wrong in so many ways. The only person's lap I have ever sat on was Edward's…and Santa's once when I was two, but that's beside the point. Now, much in the same way Alice requested we go out, Edward insisted on driving, and I was apparently not well read on the 'Cullen shotgun rulebook'.

"Come on, Bella, you know you like it," Emmett taunted. I was not amused. This just felt so _intimate._

"I like it about as much as Rose is enjoying sitting on Jasper's lap right about now," I sneered. Let's see how horny boy liked that. Rose just glared at me. I laughed at her expression; she was trying so hard not to smile, but her lips were disobeying her, twitching uncontrollably, "So Edward, remind me again of why I'm sitting on your big brother's lap?"

"Because, I called driver's seat, Alice got shotgun, Jasper wanted to be able to see Alice, and Rose was not having anybody on her lap, so that left Emmett," Edward replied.

"Hey, Edward I just got this outfit! I don't want it to get wrinkled!" Rose interjected. I sighed, my butt hurt. I swear to the Good God in heavens above, that had better be Emmett's thigh bone, or somebody was going to endure the wrath of Rosalie Lillian Hale and Edward Anthony Cullen. I looked at Emmett questioningly and he gave me an exasperated expression in return.

"Bella! Mind out of the gutter, please?" Emmett bellowed.

"Just making sure," I giggled. God was a happy person today; we pulled into the parking lot of the movie theater just in time. In time for what? Well, I don't know, but I was sure as hell happy to get out of that car. We walked into the movie theater, getting snacks, before making our way to the correct screen. Once we got there, I somehow ended up next to Emmett again. When I opened my mouth to speak, Alice cut me off.

"Deal with it Bella," she said in a cut tone.

"When I become pregnant with a mutant spawn," I shot back sarcastically. I got out of the chair and looked at Alice, waiting for her to switch me spots. I guess it looked like I truly had enough of Emmett for now, so she moved. We sat down and enjoyed the movie, laughing at all the funny parts. When we left, we decided to get some dinner. We made our way to the mall adjacent to the movie theater, walking straight to the food court. Alice, Rose, and I decided to go with Panda Express. The boys went to the Mongolian grill, just like they always did. I'm pretty sure all the girls rolled their eyes at the same moment.

Emmett could be seen at the buffet style line, mashing meat into his bowl for the chef to cook. I could hear his booming voice, "See Eddie, you gotta smash all that meat in there; get more bang for your buck."

After we were finished with our dinners, we headed to the trash cans to throw away our remaining food and stack our trays. Emmett didn't throw his away thought, instead he just said, "This is perfectly good food. Why waste it?" And…cue the eye rolls. We walked around the mall, having a good time, snickering at all the ridiculous items (ducky sneakers for grown men, seriously?) Before the guys decided desert was in order. We made our way to the local ice cream store/ gas station/ mini mart.

We were all sitting down, devouring our delicious delicacies, when Emmett left. He went around the corner and shouted, "Hey guys! They have soda on sale here! We should get some!" I snickered and stood up from the table, glancing at everybody mischievously.

"Let's ditch him," I whispered. Too bad for me, though. Emmett heard.

"Hey! I can hear you!" Emmett came barreling around the corner with two liter soda bottles in each arm, cradled against his chest. The sight sent us into hysterics. Emmett laughed right along with us and put the items back. We all finished our ice creams outside, before throwing them in the nearby trash can. We somehow convinced Emmett to throw away his Mongolian noodles too. Rose's phone buzzed. She opened it, texting back whoever it was, and kept it in her hand so she could continue texting.

Pretty soon, the night air was getting too chilly, so we went back to the car and climbed in. I had just buckled Emmett and me in when I heard Jasper from the other side of the car, "Guys, I can't find the hole. Damn it, it won't go in!"

Everybody in the car was laughing, except Jasper and Rose, who were oblivious to what they were saying, Rose huffed, "Push _harder_ Jasper. Maybe if you were a little manlier, you would get the damn thing in the hole!" Everybody had red faces at this point. Rose and Jasper both froze.

"Do you realize what you're saying?" I managed to ask in between the gasps and giggles. The two numb nuts cocked their heads to the side, narrowing their eyes, going over their words in their heads. After a few seconds, they were laughing with us.

"That sounded...so wrong!" Rose said, also having difficulty breathing.

"Aren't you a smart cookie," Alice giggled. After that epidemic, we were able to move on toward Emmett's and Rose's house. Edward offered everybody a piece of gum, and when he was about to put it back in the glove compartment, Alice growled, "I didn't get any, you weenie!"

"Hey! Do _not_ call me by the name of men's genitalia!" Edward rebounded. And the laughing fit began again….

Once we actually calmed down and made it on the road, Rose gasped and started searching the car for something.

"There isn't any treasure Rose, I promise, unless Emmett has been picking his nose again…" Edward joked.

"No, no, no, I can't find my phone, we have to turn around,_ now," _Rose hissed. There was no arguing with her, Rose lived on her phone. She could have a seizure without it. We soon found ourselves back at the gas station, calling her phone over and over, waiting to hear it. Just as we had given up, Rose looked at the outside trashcan, "It might be in the trashcan," She groaned.

And then I saw a sight I never thought I would see in my life. Rose, perfect, proper, picky, particular, Rose _digging in the trash can._ We all stood around her, watching as she clawed through random trash barehanded. When she convinced herself it wasn't there, she stood up straight and frowned. I was dreading the moment she would look at her hands…

"Oh. My. Jesus! It's Emmett's noodle!" Rose screamed.

"Come on, not like you haven't seen_ that_ before," Jasper laughed. Rose glared at him, and decided to just give up. We, once again, went back to the car, Rose still glowering at her nasty fingers. Once in the enclosed space, the smell was evident.

"Rose, your fingers reek," I moaned, holding my nose.

Emmett just had to put his two cents in, "Smells like those things have been in a hootchie kootchi for _hours._" We began laughing again. It seemed like there was a lot of that recently.

"You would know, Emmett," Edward chuckled. Rose didn't see the humor, obviously.

"I bite." She said, shooting Emmett a deadly glare.

"Rose, there are wipes in the pocket behind my seat, reach in there and grab them," Edward informed the smelly-fingered victim. Rose couldn't really do anything with her hands, seeing as they were cover in noodles and other….stuff. Jasper noticed her predicament and reached in there for her. However, he didn't pull out hand wipes; he pulled out a shiny, blue, sleek phone that could only belong to Rosalie…

"WELL, SHIT!"

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**A/N: So i think it's pretty obvious who said that last little remark. Anyways...hope you liked it! If you dont, i'm truly sorry you cannot handle the amount of randomness I posses...**

**REVIEW AND I WILL GIVE YOU ICE CREAM FROM THE LOCAL GAS STATION!**


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